Princesses (Pizzas and Mermaid Deleted Scene)

The Pizzas and Mermaid sessions produced an abundance of creative material that could not all fit into the book.  Here are some of the outtakes.  Once they’ve wet your whistle, follow this link


Ariel was the Princess in the 1989 Disney cartoon The Little Mermaid. She was a beautiful little mermaid with red hair and a purple seashell bikini. Her dad was the king of the mermaids and he had a long beard and a barrel chest and powerful trident that could shoot out destruction and magic. Ariel didn’t really wanna be a mermaid. She wanted to be a human being instead cuz they invented cool things and they got to live closer to the sun.   One day she went up to the surface of the ocean and saved a human prince from drowning in a shipwreck. And it made her fall in True Love with him even tho they were completely different species. Then she had to strike a bargain with an evil sea-witch so she could be a human herself. She traded her fins and pitch-perfect mermaid voice and her potential freedom for two legs that could walk on land. And then went to the human world to voicelessly try and convince the prince to kiss her.   With the help of a fish friend and a zany seagull and a talented musical composer crab it almost worked. But the sea-witch didn’t play fair and used Ariel’s own stolen mermaid voice to seduce the prince for herself. Ariel didn’t get him to kiss her in time and by contract became the witch’s seaweed slave. The king had to sacrifice himself for his daughter and the sea-witch took his trident and became a super-powerful giant. Luckily the sea-witch accidentally dropped the stolen voice and Ariel got it back and sang and the prince was able to recognize her as his true True Love. Then he went and stab-killed the sea-witch with the pointy-point end of his ship. After that everything went back to normal and The King used his magic to give his daughter the human legs she’d always wanted so she could marry and live with her True Love.


Princess Buttercup was the Princess in the 1987 film The Princess Bride. She was in True Love with Westley, the boy who worked on her farm. He left to go make a fortune they both could live on but word had it he got killed by pirates before he could. Then Buttercup decided to marry an evil prince even tho she wasn’t in True Love with him. And the evil prince came up with an evil scheme to stage a kidnapping/killing of Buttercup so he could go to war with a rival land. But Westley was actually still alive and came back just in time to rescue his True Love. It wasn’t easy at all tho. He had to beat a master swordsman in a duel, and overcome a giant in hand-to-hand combat, and outsmart a genius in a deadly test of wits. He also had to navigate his way thru a fireswamp full of flames and quicksand and monster rodents. And then he was captured by the evil prince and he had to survive torture and even his own death. By miracle he got to continue trying to save the princess, but he still had to beat the evil prince’s evil top general and an entire castle of guards with only a couple of allies. And then finally, even tho he was still half-paralyzed, he had to defeat the evil prince one on one. It was a lot to go thru but he did it cuz True Love is worth it.


Zelda was the Princess from the 1987 Nintendo fantasy-roleplay video game The Legend of Zelda. Randomly named after the eccentric wife of famed 20th century author F. Scott Fitzgerald, she was your reward for winning the game. She’d been captured by the evil Gannon so he could obtain her powerful Triforce of Wisdom, but right before he could get her she split up the Triforce and placed all over the land and had it guarded by monsters. You play as Link, the hero who quests to recollect the Triforce and use it to save the princess. It was a good but difficult game and not only did you have to hone your hand-eye coordination but you also had to find hidden items and portals that you could only figure out by hearing about from a friend or having a subscription to Nintendo Power Magazine. I didn’t successfully complete the game until my early 20’s, about fifteen years after I first played. But I was able to prove that it was possible with time, the internet, and adult problem solving skills to will my way to the princess.


Princess Diana was a Princess in The British Royal Family from 1981-1997. She was married to Prince Charles, who was the next in line to take the throne and her sons William and Harry were also in line to be kings. She was not in True Love with Charles and their marriage had lots of affairs and scandals and then they eventually had to get divorced and then she died in a car crash. It was hard to say who she actually was in True Love with, Major James Hewitt, Dr. Hasnat Khan, Egyptian billionaire Dodi Fayed, or perhaps just her own children.

But I know I was in True Love with her for the duration of one teenage orgasm. I’d seen a supermarket tabloid picture of her at a tropical resort wearing a bathing suit and there was a thick shadowy line on her chest that was her cleavage. I’d seen many pictures of Princess Di before, but they were all 1980’s princess outfits that seemed to cover all her best parts with mystery. Now the bathing suit proved that incredibly princesses did have breasts and Diana’s were even kinda big. I memorized the tabloid picture and when I got home I masturbated to it. The cleavage alone was enough to get me hard, but in order to finish I needed to think about being in True Love with her. Me and Lady Diana Spencer, The Princess of Wales meant to be on a beach together.

“There’s no reason why I should feel this way about a normal American teenager,” she said, “But I do. I guess it must be fate. Thank you for rescuing me from my loveless life.”

“I know,” I said. “Thank god you came along to rescue me from middle school. What a bonus that my soulmate is so rich and famous and her tits are so hot.”

We snuggled closely and looked into eachother’s eyes and then we kissed.

And at that point my semen happily leapt out of my penis to find her.


I was in True Love with Middle School Princess. She was a popular girl at school with huge breasts even tho she was only thirteen.   Her breasts were bigger than every other girl in school and you could easily tell in most of the tops she wore. She was in a couple of my classes and sometimes she’d say “hey” to me. I would look at her closely and think “yep, she’s my Soul Mate, I know it.”

True Love, even tho we were different. True Love, worth fighting for. True Love, I could make happen with my own will. True Love, I wanted to tittyfuck, my dick between her cleavage rubbing over and over until I came.

One Halloween she came to school as an actual Princess. She wore one of those high long cone hats and a tight pink renaissance era dress and her boobs were pushing the chest fabric out and you could see her prematurely developed nipples poking straight thru.  It made me sit down with her and her popular friends at lunch even tho I usually sat with my own nerd friends.

It was a holiday and they were in a loose and playful mood and playing a version of Truth or Dare called “Just Truth…”

Did you kiss That One Middle School Hunk Who Already Has Mutton Chomp Sideburns?

Not yet… (blushing)

Do you stuff your bra?

No, asshole!

Have you ever caught your parents doing it?

Oh my god, once I think I heard them. The bed was squeaking, haha.

Hey, Jonathan, who do you have a crush on?

I looked around at all the girls at the table, nurses, and Madonnas, and cowgirls. And then I looked at The Middle School Princess. It was time for one of those True Love stands. Just like the movies. Just like reality. But when I looked at her she started to blush red.

“Oh god, don’t say me,” she said under her breath.

And then all the fear and stress and anxiety and self-doubt and inadequacy and fight-or-flight and poor self esteem and uncomfortable-in-own-skin and pure doom that could possibly be summoned by my mind and body made me look away from her and shrug.

“I don’t really have a crush on anyone right now,” I said.

I looked back at The Middle School Princess and her face was relieved…



I guess she wasn’t my True Love.

And it was then I realized finding one might be harder than I’d been led to believe.


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