A List of Former Major Leaguers

And now I will compose a list of former Major League Baseball players…

B’cuz I remember their names so easily. My summer action figures and childhood dictionary, I played with their syllables all season. Often as rhythmic and graceful as their on field play, so crisp and delicious sounding, you just wanted to bite right in like ballpark food…

Like Candy Maldonado who once hit the most homeruns for a shitty Cleveland Indians team I geographically hadta root for

Jose Canseco once hit the most homeruns for a champion A’s team Oakland geographically hadta root for, with Carnival Lansford, Rick Honeycutt, Funnel Cakes, and Rickey Hendersweet 

Eric Plunk tho sounded like failure and Todd Van Poppel pitched ploppers to Barry Bombs, Roy Hobbs, and Geronimo Berroa

Kirk McCaskill, Mickey Tettleton, and John Kruk were broken teeth, while Orel Hershiser soothed mouth, and George Bret Saberhagentoothtiger chomped royal 

‘Eye of the Tiger’ was for Rocky Balboni, Ozzie Guillen was ZZ ShortsTop, and Van Slyke Halen and Oil Can Boyd were dripping heavy metal 

Knt Hrbk was missing many vowels, while Mediterranean demigod Hercules Ferrari had many to spare 

Julio Franco was an Italian Renaissance masterpiece, like Delino DeShields and Michelangelo Pagliarulo, while Marquis Grissom was Age of Enlightenment nobility 

Blaise Pascale Perez was related to Melido somehow, and Cal Ripken was related to Billy, but not Branch Rickey or Cracker Jacks.

Frank Tanana, Bananas Foster, David Cone, and Baskin Robbins were refreshing deserts, and Chili and Crash Davis were angels of muggy July

Candy MoltenLava was hellishly good, like Mark McGuire or Apple McFire or Dante Bichette’s Inferno

Cecilio Guante had the best name, but Bip Roberts was better, and Storm Davis struck lightning even better 

Only cool rain washed down Lee Gutterman, who once had the most wins for the temporarily shitty Yanks before John Wetland’s World Series saves

Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn had the most wins, Pedro Cerrano most homeruns, Willie Mays Hays most stolen bases for a temporarily shitty fictional Cleveland Indians team I geographically hadta root for 

Tom Candiotti, John Candy, and John Candelaria were dealt for Denny Boucher, Uncle Buck, and Wispy Mustache, don’t repeat their names three times in a mirror 

But Pete Incaviglia was unpronounceably the best name, and Ivan Calderon was conquistadorally the best, along with Alvaro Espinoza, Andres Gallaraga, Hernan Cortez, Por Aztex, and Luis Polonia

In Cincinatti Nick Esasky was a Reds assassin, killing Steve Sax jazzy, Steve BedRosey, and Virginia’s Busch Gardens

Howard Johnson was at least the hotelly best, or maybe Jeff Holiday Innis or Buddy Bellboy 

Mark Grace was Chicago holiest, Pete Rosary was known as Charlie Gamble but Saint Paul Molitor was pure benediction 

Benedict Arnold was very trustworthy for the 1775 Red Sox, give me liberty or give me Patrick Henry, Scott Kamieniecki, Doug Flutie Patriot or manager Joe Torre!

New England was full of Wade Boggs and Cranberry Maldonado, Chet Lemon was pretty sour too.

Kirby Pucker was first chair with Frank Viola, but not Oboe McDowell, Wolfgang Amadeus Mussina, or Vienna Waits, crossing the Danube Tartabull with Foul-poleon Bonaparte 

But really Mookie Wilson was the best name, or Star Wars Wookie Chewbacca, or Daryl Strawberry Jam or Pearl originally Mookie Blaylock 

But the best was certainly not K.C. coach Jo(h)n (W)athan, Brave Dale Murphy, reliever Jeff Montgomery, or Ohio little kid Jonathan Dale Montgomery, who quit kindergarten t-ball and hadta live vicariously thru pro athletes

And really, let’s face it, let’s not kid ourselves, let’s be real, the best name couldn’t’ve been any one other than Candy Maldonado who once hit the most homeruns for a shitty Cleveland Indians team I geographically hadta root for 

July 2015, Westminster, CO
Listen to “A List of Former Major Leaguers” here!

%d bloggers like this: