Author’s Note

Sometimes I like going on Youtube and watching videos of scorpions attacking each other in the wild. Sometimes other small creatures too. Spiders, mice. A centipede is a surprisingly worthy adversary. Did you now if a scorpion is stressed enough they’ll eat their own young? 

120th/Sheridan

My girlfriend and I had just moved to Westminster, and we needed a houseplant for the new apartment.

“We need to have something alive in there,” I said. “We need to start a jungle in there.”

“Of course,” she said, “how else will we breathe?”

First Moment in Hotel Room

Yesss
just like the housekeepers left it
like no one has ever stayed there before

air crisp
scent fresh
carpet vacuumed

kingsized bed sheets pulled up so tightly
row of pillows upright against headboard
chocolate mints foily on top

“The Worst Cab Driver I’ve Ever Had”

I picked up this woman downtown. She said where she was going and nothing else.

Most passengers said nothing. And I said nothing. And we both liked it that way.

We got all the way to her drop off before she spoke again.

“You’re the worst cab driver I’ve ever had.”

“I Lost My Winter Hat at the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame”

It was a good winter hat. Blue. Knit. Fit real snug over my head. There was no silly poof-up or anything. I’d had it for a couple years and expected to have it a couple more.

It was January in Cleveland, so I hadta wear it when my girlfriend and I went to The RockNRoll Hall of Fame, the museum where they honor my favorite creative movement of all time.

“The Soviet Space Program”

mmm... 
there’s nothing scarier than the Soviet Space Program…    

wanting so badly to beat America to every milestone unconcerned with the value of the individual…    

just as many of ours died in horrible explosions 
but the Russians were so secretive it’s easy to imagine way worse things were happening 
like maybe they were even causing space disasters 
on purpose… 

“Sleepy Cab”

Sometimes on the weekends I’d be driving cab so late that all the drunks had gotten home and it had become the next day.

And then I’d get a DIA trip.

It would mean another 50 minutes there and 50 minutes back, but it would also mean another 100 bucks, so I couldn’t pass it up.

“Internshit”

In college I interned briefly at a radio station. I loved the radio and believed at the time my future career needed to directly relate to something I loved.

I thought everything there would feel just like it did listening to my favorite songs, but I soon realized it was just an office. With computers and copy machines and coffee.

They put me at a desk, and no one told me what else to do, so I just sat there listening to nearby co-workers.

“Oh my god, she’s such a bitch,” the nearest woman said.

“Complete Success/Total Failure”

I very fluidly strolled into the bank to get laundry money. There was no line, and I was able to go right up to the teller.

“Quarters,” I said.

“How much?” he asked.

“Ten bucks,” I said without missing a beat.

“Two Cowboys at an Arizona Gas Station during the Youknow…”

They were just standing there near my pump, looking like something from an earlier era of The West.

Vests, belts, boots – all leather. Flannels, buckles, blue jeans – all faded. Hats, side-burns, mustaches – all huge.

There was probably a sixshooter in there somewhere. There was probably a horse&saddle just over there.

“Uh oh,” I thought, “I bet they like the way things usta be.”