I went to the hospital on a day when no one else was wearing masks quite yet. They’d cancelled almost all routine surgeries, and I was pretty much the only patient in there. Everyone else was medical staff with their faces half covered. Light blue-green fabric over their noses and mouths, elastic band looped behindContinue reading “Latest from Book of Pain: “Those Surgical Masks Really Brought Out Their Eyes””
Author Archives: jonathanmontgomery
Latest from Book of Pain: “The Success of This Surgery Depends on…”
“The success of this surgery depends on your ability to take a perfect photograph of a Ruby-Crowned Kinglet,” the Doctor told me at our pre-op appointment.
Latest from Book of Pain: “Two Old Doctors Reminisce”
In the my-own part of my life I never speak to doctors except to solve medical problems for $30 a pop. “My kidney stone is killing me every single day,” I tell them. “Well, it shouldn’t be,” they tell me. “Ohhhkay,” I sigh and think, man, what authority! What an unflinching barrier between us! It’sContinue reading “Latest from Book of Pain: “Two Old Doctors Reminisce””
Latest from Book of Pain: “Pain Scale”
When I got to the ER the Doctor asked me, “On a scale of 1-10 how bad is your pain right now?” “10,” I said, and they gave me some drugs. When the Paramedics put me in the ambulance to another hospital they asked me the same thing. “Still an 8,” I told them, andContinue reading “Latest from Book of Pain: “Pain Scale””
Latest from Book of Pain: “Dresden Firestorm/Sticking Things Up Penis”
I thought about the 1945 Allied firebombing of Dresden as the Doctor told me about my next procedure. Fire tornadoes sucked babies from their mother’s arms. People dove into ponds hoping to find relief but actually got boiled alive. In one bomb shelter they thought they were safe but ended up melting like ice cream.
Latest from Book of Pain: “It’s Harder to Diagnose When Multiple Things Are Going On”
“Where’s the pain?” the Doctor asked.
I pointed to my right abdomen.
“And when does it hurt?” he asked.
“Whenever I walk for any period of time,” I said, “also when I listen to the Counting Crows “Hanginaround,” or sometimes for no reason at all.”
“Counting Crows, eh?” the Doctor raised his brow.
Latest from Book of Pain: “Brad the Manager”
Brad the Manager, brrrgged thru the door, clutching his side and squinting tightly. “What’s wrong with him?” I asked one of the other servers. “Kidney stone,” they told me. “What a trooper!” I didn’t like the way ‘trooper’ sounded.
Latest from Book of Pain: “Acupuncture-on-Solstice”
I’m in pain. So I went to get rid of it at Acupunture-on-Solstice. Where they stick tiny needles in your flesh while the sun takes the longest time to set.
Latest from Book of Pain: “Kid Knees Tone”
I have a grownup age but kid toys My age exactly matches the percentage of my apartment taken up by The Big Box of Stuffed Animals I sit on my knees, reach in, and grab something fun Ki Yo Tee Mao Tin Gote Bar Ock O Bomb Ma All my toys areContinue reading “Latest from Book of Pain: “Kid Knees Tone””
Latest from Book of Food: “Drunk at King Soopers”
Back in my more lost days I’d have a few Jack&Cokes and go to the grocery store. The drinking was for other social reasons, but in the midst of my buzz I’d remember there was no food at home and something hadta be done. It was usually after midnight, so I’d hafta go to KingContinue reading “Latest from Book of Food: “Drunk at King Soopers””