Latest from Book of Nature: “It’s Hard for Wild Animals”

I mean, look at what’s happening to the Polar Bear. Its true nature is to relentlessly hunt the blobbedy seals of the North Pole ice shelves, but we’ve fucked with degrees Celsius too much, and it’s getting to the point you can easily imagine a world in which every Polar Bear is swimming toward aContinue reading “Latest from Book of Nature: “It’s Hard for Wild Animals””

Latest from Book of Pain: “Those Surgical Masks Really Brought Out Their Eyes”

I went to the hospital on a day when no one else was wearing masks quite yet. They’d cancelled almost all routine surgeries, and I was pretty much the only patient in there. Everyone else was medical staff with their faces half covered. Light blue-green fabric over their noses and mouths, elastic band looped behindContinue reading “Latest from Book of Pain: “Those Surgical Masks Really Brought Out Their Eyes””

Latest from Book of Pain: “Two Old Doctors Reminisce”

In the my-own part of my life I never speak to doctors except to solve medical problems for $30 a pop. “My kidney stone is killing me every single day,” I tell them. “Well, it shouldn’t be,” they tell me. “Ohhhkay,” I sigh and think, man, what authority! What an unflinching barrier between us! It’sContinue reading “Latest from Book of Pain: “Two Old Doctors Reminisce””

Latest from Book of Pain: “Pain Scale”

When I got to the ER the Doctor asked me, “On a scale of 1-10 how bad is your pain right now?” “10,” I said, and they gave me some drugs. When the Paramedics put me in the ambulance to another hospital they asked me the same thing. “Still an 8,” I told them, andContinue reading “Latest from Book of Pain: “Pain Scale””

Latest from Book of Pain: “Dresden Firestorm/Sticking Things Up Penis”

I thought about the 1945 Allied firebombing of Dresden as the Doctor told me about my next procedure. Fire tornadoes sucked babies from their mother’s arms. People dove into ponds hoping to find relief but actually got boiled alive. In one bomb shelter they thought they were safe but ended up melting like ice cream.

Latest from Book of Pain: “It’s Harder to Diagnose When Multiple Things Are Going On”

“Where’s the pain?” the Doctor asked.

I pointed to my right abdomen.

“And when does it hurt?” he asked.

“Whenever I walk for any period of time,” I said, “also when I listen to the Counting Crows “Hanginaround,” or sometimes for no reason at all.”

“Counting Crows, eh?” the Doctor raised his brow.

Latest from Book of Pain: “Brad the Manager”

Brad the Manager, brrrgged thru the door, clutching his side and squinting tightly. “What’s wrong with him?” I asked one of the other servers. “Kidney stone,” they told me. “What a trooper!” I didn’t like the way ‘trooper’ sounded.